I've come to realize

I've come to realize that I will never be able to look up to my parents for support. Not that they DON"T support me, but it's the fact that they don't feel that they need to show it.
My mother feels that her belief in "tough love" is what will make me do great it life. Well mom, I'm almost 20 years old and I still have not pleased you in one aspect of my life. Every move, every word, every action that I take upon myself, you have a shit comment to say about it. The words that leave your mouth astound me, and hurt me beyond belief. You will never understand how much your words affect me deep down. You refuse to believe that anything you say can affect someone's well being. Every tear that I cry from you, will create a scar that you can never notice.
I've come to realize that if I ever want to stay happy, I have to forget my parents. They cannot be part of my happiness. As terrible as it sounds, it is true in my world. I know they love me, but the disappointment that they say I bring them is to much for me to handle, and I will be better off without them standing by my side. I never received the amount of understanding or confidence from either my mom or dad, that I would have preferred. It's is up to myself to create my own happiness.
What I don't understand; is how you can be so oblivious to how I became so hostile. Mom; you were always negative, you always had something to say, and never seemed to be happy with anything. And thanks to you, I sadly am growing to become the exact same way, except, I know what can make me happy. I know what is real and I know what is important in life. I never want to become like you, I hope and pray I become my own person, and learn from your flaws.
i don't hate my parents. I just don't feel loved, or wanted around them. I have apparently disappointed them so much in my years of growing up, I believe they have given up on me. I am fucking trying. But thats not transferring through your thick headed skulls. I am trying to ignore the horrendous comments mom says to me about how i am not good at anything. You fucking try to ignore such remarks. Tell me, how would you feel? I would like to know.
I've come to realize, I do need a lot of help. But help from people around me, and not from my parents. I need to process the information that my friends give me to help me become more of a confident person. Growing up I have lost the ability to know what is real, and what is fake. My mom would tell me one thing, but my friends told me another. Who do I believe? My mom tells me I was getting "BIG" my friends tell me I was never "BIG." whats fucking true?


to be continued..

Everyone! I am back and kickin!

Hello my cupcakes!

I'm am back :) I have been so so sick the past few days, and I'm finally feeling beetter, thanks to medicine from the hospital lol...
Anyways I don't want to get into that, and be a debbie downer so on to the cool news.
I got my hair done! Much much blonder, and it looks awesome.
Heres a pic!!!!




You like it!??


Also I posted a new video up on youtube! It's my face routine, so go check it out.

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Likes by franticfoxx featuring Miu Miu

Items in this set:
Soul Cal Boyfriend Rip & Repair Blast Jeans (Womens) - buy Women's..., 30 GBP
Patent-leather gladiator sandals, $610
Large glazed leather tote, $1,395
Global Goddess Beauty eyeliner (chai tea brown), $17
Candyfuture Opaque Lipstick - Great Pink Planet, $16

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PIcs!?

Hey guys!!

I just wanted to post a few pics, let me know what you think of my makeup!!!!

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I look shiny in this pic for some reason :X lol



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Create Life

So, I'm sitting here in my room, at 1:22 am, next to my heater, and breathing in the sweet aroma of apple cinnamon candle, and thinking..

So many wrong things happen to to many great people. I ask myself, is this how it's always going to be? Is this what makes our world go 'round? I don't think any one really knows. We don't really know anything, until that something happens.

Ive spent to many times in my room, crying to myself , wondering why life has brought me so many challenges. TOO many nights I've had wondering what life would be like if I was a whole new person. Would it really be any different?

It has taken me years, without a doubt, to just understand, why things had been so rough for me through my past. And to this day, I still am learning something about myself each and every morning I wake up. though I am young, and have numerous amount of challenges to face, I have just the smallest amount of understanding why life is so hard.

If life was a peach, what would we learn? What could we possibly learn that could make us a better person? there would be no mistake to correct, or flaw to fix. So what would we be like? Where would our goals take place? The worst that happens, is what really defines who we can be. When that something terrible happens, how are you going to handle it? through anger, and dispair? or through dignity and hope? It's your path to choose. You are your own creator. What you put into your life, is what you will get out of it.

The years that I've had depression, were the years that I had no self respect. I hated every single ounce of myself. I had no faith, confidence, hope, understanding, or pride. I had given up on my undergoing creation of my own being. I threw down the instructions to self improvment and decided to take the easy route and give up. Where did that lead me? Absolutley nowhere. I was lost, empty, and hollow. When you give up on your self, there is nothing that will fill up your emptiness until you re fuel your digity first. It is 100% up to you to make your life more satisfying.

Ages 13-18 I was an emotional roller coaster, that shut down so many times from such severe bumps in the tracks.
At the age of 19, this year now, is when I finally picked myself up, and I had reacharged. It was time to live. I was tired of wondering all the time. i was tired of asking un-answerable questions. tired of self pity. and tired of giving up. i had realized that I was the one that had caused all this pain. I had felt the way I felt because I allowed to be defeated. well you know what? thats over now . I have my guards up, I have a sense of dignity, and pride in myself. And I regained confidence in myself that no one is going to take away from me. It was time to become someone.

For those who are suffering from unfortunate things, or from unexepected bumps in the tracks, remember something. Coming from someone who has had some unimaginable challenges..
Life is never over until you let it die. You are your own creator, and when you allow yourself to break apart, you will become trapped in the traffic of dispaire. Take charge of your pathway, and always move forward.

GUESS WHAT.

I don't want to go to work.

It's super bowl sunday.

It's going to be very slow.

I'm prob gonna make shit for money.

And my head hurts.

And my foot is bruised from working out.

I'm sore!

I have homework!

Bio 105 Basic Human Anatomy and Physiology Sucks!

Med Terminology is ok :P

I can't wait to get my hair done.

Im bored of this nappy mess.

I want subscribers on YouTube!

Subscribe!

<3