I've come to realize that I will never be able to look up to my parents for support. Not that they DON"T support me, but it's the fact that they don't feel that they need to show it.
My mother feels that her belief in "tough love" is what will make me do great it life. Well mom, I'm almost 20 years old and I still have not pleased you in one aspect of my life. Every move, every word, every action that I take upon myself, you have a shit comment to say about it. The words that leave your mouth astound me, and hurt me beyond belief. You will never understand how much your words affect me deep down. You refuse to believe that anything you say can affect someone's well being. Every tear that I cry from you, will create a scar that you can never notice.
I've come to realize that if I ever want to stay happy, I have to forget my parents. They cannot be part of my happiness. As terrible as it sounds, it is true in my world. I know they love me, but the disappointment that they say I bring them is to much for me to handle, and I will be better off without them standing by my side. I never received the amount of understanding or confidence from either my mom or dad, that I would have preferred. It's is up to myself to create my own happiness.
What I don't understand; is how you can be so oblivious to how I became so hostile. Mom; you were always negative, you always had something to say, and never seemed to be happy with anything. And thanks to you, I sadly am growing to become the exact same way, except, I know what can make me happy. I know what is real and I know what is important in life. I never want to become like you, I hope and pray I become my own person, and learn from your flaws.
i don't hate my parents. I just don't feel loved, or wanted around them. I have apparently disappointed them so much in my years of growing up, I believe they have given up on me. I am fucking trying. But thats not transferring through your thick headed skulls. I am trying to ignore the horrendous comments mom says to me about how i am not good at anything. You fucking try to ignore such remarks. Tell me, how would you feel? I would like to know.
I've come to realize, I do need a lot of help. But help from people around me, and not from my parents. I need to process the information that my friends give me to help me become more of a confident person. Growing up I have lost the ability to know what is real, and what is fake. My mom would tell me one thing, but my friends told me another. Who do I believe? My mom tells me I was getting "BIG" my friends tell me I was never "BIG." whats fucking true?
to be continued..